In a few months, I will be thirty years old (January 26, 2020). I have told myself I would not be so hard on myself for not having the things society says you “have” to have or “should” have by the age of thirty. Marriage, a family, a home, degrees, etc. But in reality, I really do want those things, and I still find myself criticizing myself internally for missing some of those pieces. Yes I know I’ve stated before that it’s okay to be 30, and not have these things, but I cannot lie and say I wish I didn’t have them, because I do. I do have a 30 Before 30 Challenge I am doing for personal gratification and it isn’t something society told me to do before I turn 30. I have found myself recently, burying myself into my career, my business, and my education, to compensate for areas I feel I am lacking in. Why does society create this idea of having all of these things before 30 anyway? I use to stay in situations because I felt like I would be a failure because of what society says. I’m 29, and I am barely getting my life together, and I know others are too. Everyone has different paths, so who’s to say we will all accomplish the same thing by 30?
In the very first episode of my Talk Show, “Goals with Girlfriends: Happy Hour“, I discuss the importance of “Embracing Your Singleness.” See video and pictures from the event below.
Today, more than ever is when I realized, I am not a failure because I am not married, or that I don’t have the family I want to have. I am not lacking in anything. I am NOT missing out on anything. I realize it’s not my time. I have to be patient, stay true to myself, learn to be by myself and LOVE MYSELF. In my blog “Another Again … (An excerpt from a Broken Woman),” I spoke about learning to not allow being broken, be the reason I settle for mediocrity in relationships. I’ve settled for that for so long and after ending so many unnecessary relationships, I have stood firmly behind that. Specifically, my longest relationship of twelve years of being “on-again, off-again.” I was finally able to cut ties with him and not allow him in my space anymore. And not just him, but with other men who immediately showed signs of things that were not in my best interest.
I never really blog about my twelve-year relationship because, to be honest, I feel I have so much more to discuss. He was sort of my high school sweetheart. The problem is he thought we were still in high school and refused to grow up, commit, communicate properly, make time, court and build a healthy relationship. So what did I do? I moved on. This is how I met my daughter’s father, I met my daughter’s father, on a break from my ex of twelve years, and I never looked back when I was with him. It was until after my daughter’s father passed away that we reconnected. My daughter’s father passed away in 2012, and I literally did not date or talk to anyone until 2014. That “someone” I began to talk to was my “on-again, off-again” ex-boyfriend. Over the years it was the same issues, and I would continue to take him back, knowing he would never change. I would break up with him for months at a time, and some times we would go a year without talking. I move on, that relationship doesn’t work and I go right back to him. Looking back now, I realize none of those relationships worked out because I did not properly heal. I did not “embrace my singleness.” I continuously looked for someone to fill a void, when really the only person who could do that was me. So in the process of trying to fill a void, I got into crazy situations, because of loving the other person more than I loved myself, and not loving myself.
I say all that to say, that yes it may have taken time for me to understand the value of self-love, but I am here. & I realize the importance of not settling for less just because I want to be in a relationship. I am a Hopeless Romantic, but that doesn’t mean I will be in a relationship, just to say I have one. In this season of loving myself and embracing my singleness, I know that I will be blessed when it is the right time. Society and social media won’t make me envy others and what they have because what is for me, will be for me. AND THAT’S JUST THAT.