My Battle with Anxiety

With my recent diagnosis of Anxiety Disorder, I feel it is necessary to discuss the importance of Mental Health. I received confirmation from my doctor, but it’s not like I didn’t already know this. All the signs were there. I feel like I am always on edge, always anxious, often impatient. Sometimes I create scenarios and situations, which lead to me creating more work for myself. I worry a lot, I typically cannot focus on the same thing for a long period of time and jump to something else within minutes. I give myself multiple tasks, which sometimes are extremely unnecessary. I have multiple events to attend in one day, and I go to them all, just to be extremely exhausted from doing so. I start things and never finish, just to have a to-do list of one million things. Once my to-do list gets super long, I panic and slowly finish the incomplete tasks, just to add more tasks. I wake up at the same time EVERY NIGHT with thoughts of how my day will go and what I need to do for that day. My mind is always racing on what I could have done, should have done, or would have done in any situation. All of these factors have impacted my life for the past seven years or so, but I just blew it off thinking it was normal.

But in fact, it isn’t. Mental health and mental illness is REAL. I know now more than ever it is important to keep your mental health in check. It is important to keep yourself from going insane.

Way before my diagnosis, I found myself being a little organized, but I have always overwhelmed myself. I use my planner as my lifeline. I list every event, appointment, meeting, and assignment in my planner. I also have a to-do list, where I list each and every task I have to complete. Whether it is short term or long term, I list it. I have made it a habit to write down everything because it truly helps me with keeping up with my day to day tasks. What’s extremely odd is that I have always been a dysfunctional organized person. By that, I can have organized chaos and to me, it will make sense until I’m able to clean it up or resolve it. There is a pile of items near my front door at home which has been there for MONTHS! I look at it and my anxiety kicks in all the time, I’m wondering when I should clean it, how I should clean it, and it all makes me anxious and on edge! On the flip side when actually attempt to clean it, I begin to panic because it’s extremely overwhelming. What I have done is continuously add anything I need to clean or go through in this pile, which is organized chaos. I know what’s in the pile, but the pile needs to be cleaned. In this pile is papers, some of Nyla’s toys, old clothes that need to be donated, pictures that need to be hung, etc. just … A LOT! Just thinking of this area of my home makes me so anxious, and not in a good way. This pile is how I handle the majority of the situations I am in. I throw everything in a pile and go through it all, eventually. I am learning that is this problem. I need to complete the task when given and not later. My procrastination is becoming a horrible thing and is causing my anxiety to kick in. I am not able to finish things, because I often put my focus on something else, just to move on to the next without finishing the previous task. Now, I am one to always finish a task, but I wait until the very last minute of it being due, which is extremely problematic.

From now on, I will try my best to stay organized, and not dysfunctional organized. I will list every task, appointment, meeting, assignment, and actually complete them in a timely manner. What has helped thus far is listing everything, and when it is due. I want to be able to complete tasks before they are due. In order to do this, I must stay on track and not get distracted by outside factors. I must learn to say no. I must tell myself it’s okay not to make it to every event friends and family are having. I definitely should not add more onto my plate, it is already extremely full anyway!

I say all that to say, starting this very moment, MY ONLY CONCERN IS MY MENTAL HEALTH. Mental health and illness are real. With my recent diagnosis of anxiety disorder, my only concern is to keep my mental health in check. So many people committing suicide, drug overdoses, killing others, etc. I do not want to drive myself insane from being overwhelmed. My only concern is doing what’s best for myself and my daughter. I have to let go of what does not matter, continue to focus on what matters and what keeps me sane! I have driven myself a little crazy by continuously adding to my full plate when it isn’t necessary.

Take care of yourself and your mental health, we do not need to drive ourselves insane!

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